Long journey back home

Imagine you are coming back home from a long journey. You are exhausted and happy. Your skin is sunburnt, your lips are dry, your feet are sore from blisters and you carry scares here and there. The journey was fascinating and intense; you learned a lot, met amazing people, seen places you have never seen before. But there was also a dark side, you experienced things you didn’t want to experience. They were painful and left a mark.

Now you are walking cautiously around your house, inhaling its unique scent, observing all your belongings and straight away you remember which is your favourite. Maybe it’s this rocking chair that you used to sit in at dusk with your book or journal. And straight away you come back to that day when the sunset was particularly beautiful and you just poured your soul to your journal. All is familiar to you, yet you are looking with fresh eye. You walk into each room to check what’s in there. As if you forgotten. You open all windows and let the fresh air in. All of a sudden you get the idea that you want to move your favourite chair closer to the window, take that old rug out together with everything you kept hiding underneath for all those years. You think of changing the curtains, as you might need some new colour in this space. Or maybe get rid of them at all. So you move the chair, get rid of the rug and tear down the curtains in the whole house and let the light in. Instantly, you start dancing and chanting in the middle of your house.

For a moment or two you stop and look around with uncertainty. But the inner call is stronger than anything else. You realize the only way to not let the fear in, is to surrender to your heart. You are vulnerable, true, raw. Your energy is exploding, wild and free. Lost in the sacred moment, communion with your essence. You can do whatever you want because it’s in you. At this moment you are creating a whole new space within and around you. You are dancing your sacred soul dance like you have never danced before. Your sunburnt skin, dry lips, blisters and scars hurt and bleed while you are dancing but you know it is a healing transformative dance. You wash your wounds with tears and prayers of gratitude. You are reborn, alive again. You are home.

I stopped painting when I was 15. For 20 odd years until about two years ago, I haven’t had a brush in my hand. To get to that point has taken 20 odd years of walking on the graveyard where I buried with my own hands what I once loved most.

In last 2 years I have been slowly walking towards my inner home… trying, experimenting, with simple lines and small steps. Sometimes I would have enough courage to try something bigger. There was a lot of joy, excitement and pleasure and a lot of resistance, fear, and uncertainty. Yet I allowed my intuition to be my guide. Sometimes, I would loose faith. I would fall into self-doubt. Oh yes, my inner critic was constantly by my side. There were days when I followed him as if blind folded and then lacked the oxygen at the end in the evening. Then all of a sudden I would hear this calm, loving voice of my heart to surrender and start painting again.

Recently I have come to realize that the path I have been walking those past two years, this process of opening up again to my creativity is also a way to healing, transformation and a portal to my soul. I am learning, discovering and growing.

Today my creative expression is different from what it was a year or two ago. Today I am tearing down the curtains and letting the light in. Today I am ready to transform and rise from the ashes like a Phoenix. It’s my purification and renewal. I am opening to my inner wisdom and magic.  I feel free and expansive. Ready to dance my sacred dance. This is my coming home after a long journey.

During my contemplation, this Phoenix watercolour painting has come alive. It will be available soon in my online shop as art print.

If my story resonates with you, I would love to hear from you. I believe we can learn so much by sharing and honouring our life experiences and be empowered by each other.

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