I know it so well. The “f” word. The BIG “F” word. Even now as I write this, it’s here.
Yes, it’s FEAR I’m talking about. I have experienced fear in my life in numerous situations, recently even more so when it comes to my creativity. So there is this inner critic who is always walking beside me ready to punch whenever I’m not looking. What??? Painting? Haha, you? Writing anything interesting or valuable? You? Haha, and in English! Oh please, who do you think you are?
And once the inner critic speaks, its good mate fear shows up. And we walk hand in hand for a while until we get to this door. And this is where I have a choice.
Do I walk in and pretend it’s all good and I am perfectly fine. Numb and “fine”? Or do I start crying and become miserable? OR, do I say thank you and choose to walk my way, where my heart and intuition lead? Do I choose trust, curiosity and love over fear?
Today my answer is YES. Today I look at fear in a different way. I acknowledge it, but I don’t let it rule my world or fool or blindfold me. Instead, I simply take it as something that is. I observe how it makes me feel and what can I learn from the message. And then I let it go and move on, with trust, curiosity and love.
So I decided I’m gonna write this blog post even though the fear is telling me that I’m not able to express myself eloquently and in an interesting way. And I’m gonna stand tall in front of these big, blank old cabinet door and start painting even though my hand may be shaking and the fear is telling me that I have never painted such big surface and my painting is not going to be good at all. And this Friday I am going to paint a huge mandala on the floor of the newly opening wellness and creative studio SILO Paddington, the FLOOR which is at least 10 times as big as the cabinet door!
YES, I am choosing to follow my heart and intuition, because they know what’s best for me. I am choosing to trust the voice within saying “you were born to do this”.
And today I was down on my knees in front of my easel, crying. Because it felt so good. Once I trusted everything else was just flowing. And I realized this is another step in my transformation, this is how I am reclaiming my creativity; this is how I am listening to this voice within that I numbed for so many years. This is what makes me feel alive. I was born to do this!